AARUTHRA®

Mental Health ~ My Personal Story

I don’t know how many of you take this well, so I don’t promote nor encourage reading this personal note unless you really feel it relevant to know or want to help anyone / yourself.

 

Written by Aaruthra • 29th September 2022

I’ve been fighting a battle for a while now, not with the world, not with anyone particular but with MY OWN DAYS.

I’m hating to wake up in the mornings. The nights that I loved spending with myself and creating things, when all my art, intense academic studies, thesis, product development and all of my proudest accomplishments till date got created, the same nights, gives me chills now, I get scared what if I don’t be able to fall asleep sooner, scared to think of another day that would dawn when I wake up. I just don’t feel to face it.

Yes, It is so hard to handle it especially as an INTROVERT as it is not easy to trust nor open up to anyone, including close friends. It is really painful. Slowly and slowly, it crept into my normal day and I noticed I’m getting affected by it when I started feeling intense breathing pattern and fast heart beats without any physical activity.

I’m battling it for a while now trying to amuse myself with things that would make me happy. But I knew I was facing a struggle because my watercolor paints, my favorite playlists, books ..all those that used to make me so joyful, felt like a pointless practice.

Having been used to people around me who presume I’m way too smart, they also presume I’m smart enough to not have any pain or go through anything bad. Because, I can talk fluently and confidently, I can voice my opinions, I don’t settle for anything less, that’s too much to show compassion from a south Indian quite conservative environment, Isn’t it?

-Living in a moderately conservative environment is too tricky because voicing one’s opinion and taking a stand to do things my way triggers them to hate me and call me as someone who doesn’t respect their way of doing things and the “CULTURE”. AT THE SAME TIME, if I adjust to do things their way without rebelling against, I get to be called a “LOSER” who isn’t smart enough to get things done my way but who whines for not making it.

Trust me, If it were too conservative, I’d have broken free ages ago with no regrets, and if it were realistic and supportive, I’d have thrived in my way with no regrets. But I was stuck in a grey area where I couldn’t break free nor put up with it and still I don’t see any trace of light at the end of the tunnel.

Yeah, I may be called smart because of it I know exactly the things that is affecting my peace and stability. But I’m really not smart enough to figure out a way to break out of it.

I tried to express it through art, by journaling, by overworking, by distracting, I even clung onto my best friend so much to help me get through. But when you are just in an environment that doesn’t acknowledge your struggle, even though all those things help, it isn’t resolving the issue at core.

My days got dark and nights got darker. I’m a fighter so I’m really not going to give up very soon, but all I want to share from my experience and pain is, Be Kind and Compassionate to every single one. They might be wearing a wide smile, they might be the smartest person you have ever known or they might be rocking the world like a rockstar on the stage, but they might also be fighting a battle which is so weakening and heartbreaking FOR THEM. You might not be able to give them a solution, because with all the presumed “SMART” people, they struggle not because they don’t know what the solution is but because they are stuck with many other strings which doesn’t let them out of the situation.

All you can do is BE KIND AND COMPASSIONATE and JUST LISTEN to them. You wont know how many lives you SAVE and make better by just being kind and listening actively. I just personally know how grateful and blessed I feel for just that one thoughtful text or that one caring reply from anyone when I’m broken and fighting hard to get through things.

We may be called “SMART”, but we are just another human being.

It took me a lot to share this, but I did just in a way it makes at least one person to help another.

Please. Be Kind and Be Compassionate.

Love,

Aaruthra